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My Body Aches
Why do I get mad at my body for telling me when it aches? I should be glad grateful when it says Too much! please stop slow down rest be gentler Continue reading
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All or Nothing
I want all or nothing I don’t just want a walk outside with some trees and flowers I want to sit by a glacial lake reflecting perfectly the mountains above If I can’t have that I’ll just stay inside If I can’t make today something great why even try? If it’s raining just a little Continue reading
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Fix Inside
Everyone used to tell me there was something wrong with me My feelings were problematic MY experiences a fantasy My fantasies silly Eventually I walked away from those people trying to tell me I need fixing but that message stayed internally No one tells me anymore that something is wrong or I need to be Continue reading
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Emotions
Please don’t fix me let me feel My feelings are deep like the ocean as colorful as the flowers of the world I seek beauty outside myself and all the time there’s been beauty within I long for the colors I see outside the peacefulness of a trickling stream When all along my emotions bring Continue reading
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A Flower in the Forest
I feel like a beautiful flower planted in the darkest corner seeking the sunlight to grow suffocated by the darkness the needs of the plants around me I feel beautiful and magnificent yet hidden and overlooked I feel like I have so much to give but I’m overwhelmed by the thought of giving How does Continue reading
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Always a Rose
The flowers are out again I can’t help but see they struggled too and waited slept retreated into darkness They changed transformed and hid But look at them no less beautiful Different than they were the year before yet still a daffodil or rose lily or tulip Continue reading
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Harmful God
God feels so often like an excuse an excuse to avoid humanity You can’t be sad or anxious or scared You can’t love who you love or be friends with the most human of people Disasters aren’t disasters but blessings in disguise Hurt isn’t hurt but lessons to sanctify God is used to harm to Continue reading
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Silly Rhyme
The voice that said you must be wed is dead In its stead you must be fed and lay in bed Please use your head and be well read Take the time to look inside your mind care for your heart before each start and make sure you laugh because that’s the best thing you Continue reading
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Hurting
I used to see all those years of hurting as wasted. Why didn’t I stand up for myself? Why did I let them hurt me? Why didn’t I care for myself? But now I see that my hurting was the only way I knew how to believe in myself. In the midst of voices telling Continue reading
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Poetry Book Title
Apologies for this not being a poem, but it is poetry related. I have long gathered many poems about different things in life, as you all have read. And I thank you so much for following and liking and sometimes commenting. I hope my poetry has touched you, made you feel seen, lifted your hearts, Continue reading
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Parts Work: Don’t Fight Yourself
I want to love the way I think The flashes and images The random insecurities I don’t have to hate them dismiss them Each one is part of me Each one belongs to me The more I fight them the more they fight back If I treat them like monsters they will act like monsters Continue reading
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Deconstruction Reconstruction
I am just a sinner dirty and bad undeserving of love no worth apart from God depraved and selfish in need of saving and constantly failing I do my very best which is enough I am safe as I am safely loved I am wonderfully made and I love myself and others My worth is Continue reading
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Uncontained
Not just in a book in written words but all around me I find God’s word In knowing the names of birds noticing the wrinkles on a laughing face Everywhere everyone speaks in a way revealing God Continue reading
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Church Hurt Musings
They called us down the brokenhearted to be prayed for And I always went because I always felt brokenhearted at church We laid hands on one another I placed my hand on a young woman I saw an older man without a hand I reached out to gently touch his back No one placed their Continue reading
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Thoughts on Jesus
Maybe Jesus was the example of spirit and flesh as one for us and as we follow Jesus, we find that our spirit and flesh are one increasingly. Jesus is where earth and heaven meet, where flesh and spirit meet, where God and human meet. He can’t represent my biases, politics. He is on his Continue reading
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My Fragile Self
Before I came here I was fragile and I don’t think that is bad My fragility came from acknowledging pain I had ignored for years I entered this new chapter with courage and apprehension SO afraid it wouldn’t meet my expectations and it didn’t lonely stressed pushed out of my comfort zone again and again Continue reading
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Hard to say Goodbye
How do you say goodbye to a place that has changed you, has remade you, not despite its worst qualities but in spite of them It’s hard to say goodbye when people touched your heart and taught you much When a place has imprinted on you ignited your passions to listen to birds sing and Continue reading
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Navigator of my Heart
Written a couple of year ago: Oh navigator of my heart You know its paths You understand its knots and ties You find the hidden treasures and You know the dark places You do not fear them You seek them out and shine Your light making claim to those places of shame and pain You Continue reading
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Start with Love
Publishing some old writings, this one was written a couple of years ago: I have believed most of my life that my one purpose is to be used by God and often that meant being used by others. I did not know or feel or embody that my greatest purpose is to be loved by Continue reading
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Carry Belonging
Seeking belonging in a place in a face in a job in a feeling Belonging is found in one place Within yourself When you find it there you carry it with you to every place face job feeling Continue reading
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Hurt People Hurt People (Not an Excuse)
You broke my heart once and I turned away Now I see your heart was broken and breaking mine wasn’t about hurting me It was about you hurting I don’t regret walking away because your treatment of me was not okay but I wish I hadn’t let the hurt define me knowing now the way Continue reading
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Our Contradictions
As I hold my own contradictory ways I grow to hold those contradictions in others not to give permission for bad behavior but to recognize the very humanity in me the messy ups and downs opening and closing not always available or happy imperfect messy beautiful raw Humanity in myself is also in you and Continue reading
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Healing Inside
I like to think that beaches and trees will heal me and though nature and place plays a part they aren’t the ultimate healer I often imagine the right friends people culture community will change my life and though I know these can make life more joyful they can’t change it all I have believed Continue reading
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Universal Christ
Do You meet me in those notes of music that calm my soul? In the sounds of birds singing in the morning? Is Your love and grace expressed through humanity? Through connections with others and laughter and tears? I’ve sought You in the rescue, in the big, and miraculous. I’ve been told You are found Continue reading
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Perfect Jesus?
Was Jesus perfect in the sense that he never got angry, said the wrong things, never got sick or lost faith? OR was he perfect in that he relentlessly followed love, mercy, and justice? Because… Jesus got angry at his disciples and the pharisees. Jesus did not always respond in the perfect way. Jesus grew Continue reading
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Ordinary God
I was taught that God’s power would be found in miracles salvation answered prayers opened doors But that is not what God reveals to us Jesus did heal yet He spent His life working as a carpenter He slept He danced and He showed up in gentle ordinary ways He constantly told others that He Continue reading
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Vulnerable Courage
Maybe it’s not that courage fails but that courage hurts and once we’ve taken that step of faith we are left with so much emptiness We’ve laid our heart on the table and we are exposed It makes sense we would feel vulnerable, sad, exhausted Courage is not easy but those who choose it are Continue reading
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The Other Face of Courage
The courageous are the ones who suffer most Their reward may be inner strength or wisdom gained but so often this world and others may admire courage but they do not accept it or show it love I have sat with people I do not know when I could have chosen comfort only to have Continue reading
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Fear, Welcome
Fears, welcome you are safe here I understand you I even thank you for doing your very best to protect I will be here to listen to you Just listen It’s ok to be afraid it doesn’t mean you can’t It just means You’re human Continue reading
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Little Shell
I want to acknowledge that those who belong in the Little Shell nation call themselves Annishinabe or TodayA Little Shell manTold meHe listens to the landThe animalsThe skyThe windThe watersTo speak to himAn eagle flies byAnd he listensWhat story is she tellingWhat message is she sending himThisAwakens a part of meThat felt asleepSuddenlyMy world is Continue reading
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A Bridge
Make me a bridge one who can connect to the humanness in anyone One who sees the vulnerability even in those who claim power One who hopes and cultivates understanding and love for those and these that people hate and misunderstand I’ve done this for nature creating a bridge for those afraid of the creatures Continue reading
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Body
I listen to my body its fears that I will abandon it forgetting that this mind and soul live inside flesh As my body works giving me breath heart food I live unaware ungrateful In the moments when I pause I listen my body listens too mind and soul and body attuned there is a Continue reading
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Onondaga Lake
I recently read an incredible book, Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer. In one of the chapters, she writes about Onondaga Lake. I cried and had to write some kind of apology for how we, humans, have hurt native peoples and mother nature. Forgive us for caring more about progress than your preservation For taking Continue reading
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Ode to Montana
Montana you gave me the chance to be brave Roads of snow and ice to drive on Boats of children to keep safe Hard conversations Failings and Misunderstandings Conflicting stories Disappointments Driving hours down mountains Facing cold like never before Facing loneliness like never before Choosing again and again to try and live Continue reading
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Stay in this Wilderness
Out in this wilderness I feel I must escape Run through the trees and find “the path” but You do not ask that of me You are in no hurry You point out the needles of the pines that catch the sun and feed the tree You stop along the stream and bid me watch Continue reading
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Humanity Should not Look Like Me
Humanity should not look only like me The faces of humanity should be so varying it is stunning in its colors like a flock of tropical birds I want to look at humanity and see laugh lines outrageous clothes stubble browns and tans wrinkles eyes of chocolate eyes of oceans I want to see worship Continue reading
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Go Small or Go Home
Note: I wrote this a year ago. If I rewrote it, I would take a lot of the religious language out of it because this applies to all peoples, no matter what they believe. So, forgive me if the religious wording throws you off. I hope you can still get a sincere and helpful message Continue reading
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Anxiety my Friend
I take anxiety by the hand and say thank you because all you’ve ever done is try to protect me and though misled and uninformed you got me this far And now I want to love you into peace and confidence I’ll be patient with you that’s why I am taking your hand We must Continue reading
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Today
Not every day needs to be incredibly grand or overplanned It is the small that makes each day what it is Let go of planning your joy out let go of overwhelm Wake up and breathe step out and see believe and know you can’t do it all and that’s not a tragedy You may Continue reading
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Partner not Rescuer
Lord, am I looking for a man like You? Or am I looking for a normal man who loves You? I think waiting for a man like Christ has been so ingrained in women… waiting for a Boaz, that it has damaged what I look for in a spouse or boyfriend. Because Christ “rescues me” Continue reading
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I like myself….
I like the glasses me, the jumper wearing me, the long haired not in a braid me. I like the me who ends up inside all day because she “wastes” time, but not really, she is just being normal. I like the girl who dreams a lot but doesn’t reach those dreams because she’s only Continue reading
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No one Way
Does pursuing God only look one way? Church attending bowed heads pouring out yourself memorizing scripture? Or Can it look like other paths? Time alone standing up for others questioning listening writing being Can it look like understanding sexuality? Letting go of guilt? Who is to say that the path you are on different from Continue reading
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Broken Halves
Two confused people who can’t love themselves cannot love one another to health No matter how much they pour out It won’t be enough to heal what they feel Their only choice is to walk away and find the love towards themselves Then they can receive that love from another Continue reading
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The Almosts
It’s the dreaming that hurts the most The almosts The ones that never came true that were barely a seed in the ground before they died That future no matter how true fades as fast as it formed Those losses hurt too as all losses do To grieve them is to heal Don’t forget that Continue reading
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Some day
Some day it won’t be goodbye Some day it won’t end in tears instead there will be a safe embrace that never ends Two hearts that unite and never part Some day I won’t have to hurt someone or myself by letting go because I’ll be holding on to your hand and neither of us Continue reading
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Am I worthy to be Known?
Too scared to be known tiptoeing around to meet expectations and yet my hiding accomplishes the opposite I look small and scared I feel small and scared and the only expectations I meet are to remain unknown Continue reading
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Real or not Real?
Was it real? Or did we make it up? Each needing someone to tell us we were worthy of love The fantasy of it does not make it wrong It’s still a beautiful love but not the real love either of us needs in the long run Continue reading
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Knowing you
Looking back now I wonder if I truly saw you for ALL you were the good and the bad Because instead everything you were effected me Each word and action lensed selfishly There was no you Just me and all my needs all my insecurities To know you at all I had to let go Continue reading
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It wasn’t Perfect
Who would guess with just a little bit of space I would see it wasn’t perfect for you or me Trying to heal those wounds you can’t see no it wasn’t prefect for you or me Each conversation held contexts unseen Each reconciliation wasn’t enough for you or me We tried our best but in Continue reading
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Hope
I hope this worst thing ends up being the best thing That somehow like they say something new and beautiful will rise from these ashes Continue reading
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Guiding Lights
I thought the compass within me would lead me back to myself or prayers to God meditations disciplines but in the end it has been my dearest friends and family reminding me who I am A collection of who believe in me more than I do myself My guiding lights Credit Due: Guiding Light by Continue reading
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Good Intentions
It doesn’t matter if your life is stitched with good intentions You will fail or offend someone some day And how you love yourself and the offended through that will say more about your character than the offense itself Continue reading
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Murky Waters
There is hope in curiousity taking away the all or nothing thinking bringing back humanity It is uncomfortable wading into the grey never easy answers never a peaceful easy feeling Just the confusion of human complexity To live with that is incredibly hard and yet extending it to others can help you extend it to Continue reading
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Lost Connections
If beauty is connection is there any beauty left when connection is lost? But connections do get lost they always do It is part of life People love you People hate you People change People leave and naturally you do all that too So how do you live in the light when it is all Continue reading
About Me
An obsessive journaler who loves meeting others along their journey and giving them a hand to hold through pieces of writing. I write about the heartbreaks of life and the joys, the ups and downs, and I often learn my greatest lessons and miracles from nature.
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Joyful Ruins 